My brother is a junkie. I know there are some who will take offense at the term. Undoubtedly some one in my family will tell me I shouldn't call him that. They will say he is an addict. They will say he has a disease and I would not argue against that. But there is power in words. Addict or illness do not adequately convey what he has done. It doesn't cover what he has put his family and friends through. Junkie does.
There is a physical reaction to the word junkie that other terms do not create. The word creates strong images and feelings in just about everyone so it is that I choose that word carefully and intentionally.
If you are a Facebook friend of mine, you know that I have been asking for prayers for my brother. As I write this, we still don't know exactly where he is. We know he is in Austin and as of a couple of days ago, we know he is alive. He has made contact with family members at times via a payphone. We also know that he is using heroin once again. We don't know what may come next.
For several years my brother was clean. Most of that time he was in prison but when he got out, he stayed clean for quite a while. He was clean long enough that I actually believed he had made it this time. I believed in him for the first time since, well, since we were kids. Now, I hope one day I will believe in him again, but I don't know if I ever will.
You see, not only is my brother a junkie but he also is a liar and a thief. He is a manipulator. He is selfish and lazy. He simply cannot be trusted by anyone. Anything he says and does has to be questioned. He has proven time and time again that he will steal anything from anyone. Nothing and no one is off limits. If he cares about anyone other than himself, it rarely shows.
I am sure some of you think this harsh, and it is, but that does not mean it is not true. While I would be lying if I said I was not angry, this is not written out of anger.
My brother started down this road at the age of 12. That was over 25 years ago. For 25 years his family and friends have been putting up with lies, manipulations, thefts, disappearances and prison trips.
If you were to look at my brother's rap sheet you would be amazed that he is ever let out of jail. If you didn't know him and read what he has done, the only conclusion you could come to is that he is a lowlife. That is a hard thing for me to do. He is my brother, my children's uncle and yet, there is no real evidence that he is a good person. It is something that I struggle with whenever I think of him.
He has been given more second chances and more opportunities than anyone I have ever met or even heard of. This is because he is good looking and charming. If he were fat, if he were ugly, if he lacked the social skills to charm people, he probably would never have gotten as far as he has. He talks a real good game. He looks the part. People want to believe him and want to help him. They don't see what he is but what they want him to be. I have done that as well.
The drugs. It's the drugs. I have heard that for years. It is the drugs that cause him to act this way. I have no doubt that is true. I have seen him when he is clean. I have seen him when he is walking with God and he is truly a bright light in a dark world. But he always snuffs out the light with the junk. It makes me wonder, which is the aberration, the light or the dark.
Within the last few weeks, he has stolen from my dad, disappeared twice, was hospitalized with a life threatening staph infection and is now living on the streets. It only took him 5 days to forget he almost died and once again head out to live on the streets so he can continue to use.
He claims he wants help. He says he is trying to get into a rehab. I hope and pray this is true. For now though, he plans to keep using until a bed becomes available. His plan, he says, is to just use enough to take the edge off. Time will tell how serious he is about rehab.
So why a I writing this? It's a good question. Most of my posts are about the kids. And in a way this is as well because I am left with how to explain all this to my daughter. She has only met her uncle once for a few days but asks about him often. She understands he is my little brother like she has a little brother of her own. She loves her uncle but doesn't know or understand what he is.
I don't know if my brother will make it this time. If he doesn't change, his luck will run out eventually. It always does So the past few weeks have had me wondering, not for the first time, how to explain to her that her uncle is dead. How do I explain that to a five year old if the time comes?
When my brother was in the hospital with the staph infection, I could not hide from Caelyn that he was sick. There were too any phone calls and quiet conversations. She knew something was wrong with her uncle. She would ask to hold her mother and my hands while she prayed to God for his well being. I would sit amazed at her simple but faith filled prayer, "God, please keep uncle Dorian safe and help him get better."
This has also had me wondering about the loss of innocence. How early is too early to talk to your children about how harsh this world can be? About it's dangers? When should you talk to your child about how bad decisions when you are 12 can haunt you and all those who care about you for decades to come? How do you make them understand?
I have no answers. Only questions. But for now, my prayers are simple. I pray that my brother will out live our parents. I pray that I will not have to explain to my daughter that her uncle died. And I pray that one day she will get to meet the person we all hope my brother will be.
